I like this blog a lot.
But my new one is a lot more meaningful and that’s all i really need now. Hope.
See you,
http://cherlynhopes.wordpress.com
I wanted to be one eversince i was… a little girl. Since young, the first thing i replied when my parents asked me that question, was – I wanna be an actress.
Shocking? haha. yeah that dream came to a halt until one of my primary school classmate told me that only pretty girls could be actresses and i’m.. not pretty so yeah..
I wanted to ask my mom to bring me to MediaCorp after my PSLE but that comment my friend made made me think twice. so i guess it kind of went down hill, haha.
But i wonder what could happen if i did? would i get accepted?
If i reaaalllyyy go to a JC i wanna go one that has Drama as their Top CCAs. The cca that’s prioritized in the school, you know.. 
Actually i’ve also always like Dance but i just won’t join in no matter how much i like them because i just feel i’m not for that. Haha.
Anyway look at this!
http://www.wwcity.co.jp/mignon/samanthathavasa/
Samantha Thavasa!!!! I WANT.
My ST’s wallet’s coin purse clip is getting lose. i think it’s because i keep dropping it.. sigh, i love that wallet so much.
I got it from Japan last year and until i get my next ST’s wallet, i won’t change nomatter what!
Oh look! baby bought me that leopard print hp sticker thingy and i loveee it so much!!
It was HARD to cut the right size esp. the rectangular part which have to be left un-pasted cause of the LED lightings! But i love the accessory so much i don’t wanna screw it up so i did it bit by bit and verrryyy meticulously. hehehe. i’m gonna protect my princess handphone with my life! =D i love my baby boy.
“See you tomorrow girl!” Josie waved her hand at me as she skipped out of class. So it was the end of school day. I sighed at the mess made by those books and papers on my desk and slowly, packed them up before stuffing them into my bag. It wasn’t a good day for me, i wasn’t going out after class, i wasn’t going to have anything to look forward to. When i finally got my last item – which was my pencil case – into the bag, i zipped it and reflexively took out my cell phone to check if i had any missed calls or messages – not like i would on a normal day anyway.
However this time, i had a message. It was rather peculiar but i pressed the ‘ok’ button anyway. As i glanced through those lines on the screen, i felt an immediate incredulous feeling getting into me. I stayed rooted onto the ground, and for a moment i didn’t know how should i be feeling. I did not raise my head for a few minutes and when i did, i saw something that made me felt i was dreaming. I felt the chaotic atmosphere came to a standstill and all things around me became invisible, as i stood there with my mind completely blank.
He looked so different from the image i had in my mind.. he had a carefully gelled hair dyed to a neutral shade of brown – I always thought it was black. His eyes were gentle and as it wandered around the class, i couldn’t look away from him. It all felt like a fairytale and all of a sudden i was feeling a tinge of happiness yet filled with nerves. The startled gaze in my eyes, the mind that’s running incredibly wild, I realised my fingers were on a war with each other and my palms started to sweat. That was when, i realised how nervous i had became.
When he met my gaze, it was the first time i ever looked straight into his eyes, and for that second in my life.. i thought i met an angel.
I think i’m gonna change my url soon. To my own initial cherlynhoo.wordpress or something. haha.
Anyway today was….. tiring.
Went to baby’s cousin’s wedding dinner in the afternoon and i have to reach home in the evening for another dinner celebrating my grandma’s birthday.
A whole day of restaurant food is yucks.
My uncle’s cool. My dad was talking about how much money i’ve wasted cause he had me fixed a specs last time which costs 4xx and i’ve never wore it once and my uncle was like “of course! she would rather run into a wall than wear specs” hahahaha.
Was really tired when the dinner ended at like, what, 9+? my dad couldn’t stop talking. reached home at 1030. watched wo cai at 12 which i totally regretted doing so. and here i am. feeling…………….. lousy.
There’s this girl…. she just got, kinda unlucky.
No really, it’s just unluckiness. It’s not… any problems in her mind or whatsoever.
This obstacle just came running towards her, and there’s no where she could escape to.
There’s nothing much she could do really.
Just stare at her ownself being carried away.
Ever heard of a hidden epidemic?
Sometimes i just feel like numbing my entire body and just let the people around me bring me pass.
Not giving a single damn about myself and being ignorant just for once.
Sometimes i’m actually dubious about myself.
Am i learning to be appreciative or i’m just living in self-denial?
I really can’t tell anymore.. i can’t understand my own self. anymore.
I don’t know what’s my thoughts about this particular thing anymore because it keeps morphing and manipulating my mind so much that i am starting, to suspect myself.
It’s traumatizing to feel that your body is separated from your soul.
It’s painful to walk every step when the ground’s full of glass.
You never know when will this come to an end. You never know if you could even make it.
The initial tinge of hope in you is starting to fade away.
And you see yourself falling apart, wide-eyed and sober.
Yet all you could do is.. watch.
2 october 2009
There’s something about MK that makes me like her a lot.
well i don’t know what is it. she’s just…. beautiful.
————————
3 days. It’s enough to quit a bad habit. It’s enough to change my lifestyle for good.
Because what i did just now made me realise that it was such a foreign situation. Like it was weeks or months ago when it’s actually only a few days back.
It made me realise i am not like this anymore, i have changed. Because it feels all so weird to me.
I regretted.
But if this didn’t happen then i wouldn’t realise. Then the feelings and fears that i would regress would stayput inside me.
Maybe i should be thankful.
Maybe i shouldn’t hate myself for regressing, but thank God for this realisation.
Thank God for letting this happen so as to let me realise i am changed.
After those endless stress in school, studying till 9pm every day, reaching home feeling like a dead fish, admist the affliction, i could still stand by here now and have such confidence that i am gonna move on. Every morning i wake up feeling like i only had a mere 5 minutes of rest. This morning i was so worn out my mind went blank and i couldn’t hear a thing the moment i stood up. Everything was pitch black.
My life’s different. That’s why i don’t compare myself to others. Nobody understands my life unless you live it.
I landed myself at a difficult situation. And if i am the only one that could do this to myself, i am the only one that could bring myself out of it.
I just wanna thank God for giving me the strength. I know i can do it. What happened just now’s a living proof.
This year is tough. But i have not given up.
(A book composed by me)
I guess the only good thing i could gain from this is that i know.. that in future, if an obstacle pops up again, it’ll be nothing to me.
Lord i’m thankful for all the people in my life.. to be just around me. It’s really more than enough.
No matter how much i’ve changed.. i could still feel the familiar character i possess from 16 years ago.
This is .. me.
It’s scary. but it won’t go.
Whatever i’m doing now is inevitable, you get it. It’s not something i want but if i don’t do it then i can’t get out of it.
It’s kind of like a i-have-to-change-my-mind-set thing. A psychological inset that’s ingrained in me, even if it only takes a short period to.
That period was awful and i definitely don’t want it to repeat. ever.
What’s done is done. The consequences are showed, i’ve faced it.
Now i change it. Right way or wrong, it’s my life and i decide for myself.
Because nobody knows how hard this is.
So you think my life is normal?
The fact is – I don’t even know what’s normal anymore.
I know i’m strong and i can do this.Even if it hurts to say this now, i’ll still trust in God.
Kay. So.. block timetable is out and it is crazy. Just like me. so doesn’t matter.
Study leave is on 16 October, just 10 days before O levels.
I don’t know why.. when i heard of that, i feel very scared all of a sudden. I don’t know what am i afraid of, it’s not the Os i’m sure. Maybe i’m just overwhelmed by how quick time is passing.. maybe.
I feel rather hurt when people go like “it’s impossible to get 10 points for your L1R5 one la”.
Maybe you should be a bit more tact when saying such stuffs, because I have feelings and i’ll feel discouraged.
Sometimes when i finish my hw/etc, i’ll just sit on my chair and think of the stuffs i’ve done today, and if i did not make it, which is usually the case like today, i’ll ask myself why. Sometimes i’ll just sleep it off, sometimes i’ll pray. But most of the time i’ll think of how am i going to compensate it the next day.
I just need a real human to talk to i guess..
I’m glad G is coming to my house tomorrow, then in the evening we’ll be going for night study together.
I really hope this will keep me distracted and for one day i’ll just succeed to give myself hope.
小時候的我，經常問媽媽為甚麼把我生得那麼丑，為甚麼我的朋友都那麼漂亮，就只有我最難看。
媽媽就一直和我說。。人美不重要，生財好不重要，有頭腦是最重要的。如果你不聰明，在好看也沒有用。
但媽媽也說我在她心裡是全世界最漂亮的女孩。比誰都漂亮。
我想着終无条件的愛，是只有家人能給你的吧。
不管我變得怎樣。。父母都無條件地愛我。
就算我毀容了，或變成一箇胖子，父母都会一樣地愛我。
因為他們看見的，是他們的親生骨肉。而不是在外表上的我。
這樣的愛。。不是每箇人都能付出的。
愛一箇人的心，而不是他們的外表，不是一件容易的事。
但这一點，可能就是我唯一的優點吧。当胡文卿真正的愛一箇人的時候，她所看見的，是對方的心。就，心而已。
但她也希望，不完美的她，也能得到同樣的，無條件的，愛。
我好害怕。真的好害怕。害怕自己在也站不起來了。
It doesn’t matter how i am now or what i am now, just remember that as long as you keep doing it – you’ll get there on time.
–
Anyway prelims results are nothing special. Just extremely disappointed with my emath, when i get to see my paper i’ll hunt it upside down cause i don’t believe and refuse to believe i got that result lol.
K my life’s now hanging around that quote above.. don’t know when will it rise or fall, but whatever it is, i’ll just move on everyday. As simplistic as it shall seem.
“Love is like climbing a stairs and not just the stairs to your bedroom, no I’m talking to the tallest sky scrapper in New York City. It’s long, hard and completely exhausting. You want to give up, but you know the way down will only feel like a big fall, leaving you exactly where you started. It takes time, and it may seem like you’re doing it all for nothing, but once you get to the top, it’s beautiful.”
沒有你在我身邊，真的不知道該如何開心。
A single sms from you can brighten up my entire day,
a call from you can make my heartbeat escalate a gazillion times,
being able to see you makes me feel like the brightest star in the sky.
As long as you’re together with me,
there’s no obstacle in this life of mine that i can’t face.
Can you believe it my dear, it had been a yr and 7 months.
Be strong and 加油。
我們3oct09再見。
Always with you, C
–
“I don’t believe in not being good enough for someone else. I used to feel like that but not now anymore. Love isin’t about being up to standard to stand beside that particular person, it’s nothing about that. It’s the subtle feeling at the back of your mind, deep in your heart, the feeling to cling on to the heart right next to yours and knowing that as long as this 2 hearts are together, you don’t have to change a thing or two, or do anything at all, for everything to be alright.” -Cherlyn
God… why me? There’s so many people around me. So many other people. But why do You wanna choose me?
I can’t do this. You know i’ll just disappoint You. No matter how much i try to get myself into believing that i will overcome this one day, it still seem impossible.
Lord. Everyone has their own obstacle to overcome, their own problem to face.
And you equip us all and never give us an obstacle that we can’t handle.
But why do i feel like my problem seems to be the hardest,
the hardest among all of others.
The most peculiar and threatening among the others.
The obstacle that girls like me wouldn’t even come across.
Wouldn’t even had passed their minds.
Still Lord you chose me.
To face this all by myself.
You told me i could do it over and over again,
even when i don’t see how is it possible.
It is said that if i’ve gained something i’ll lose something too.
But it doesn’t seem to be the case here.
Why?
Why me?
Why not that girl down the street or that girl in the neighbourhood, the girl on the same bus as me or different, the girl in my school compound or outside, why me?
Why not someone stronger? Someone that doesn’t have other problems to cope with as well?
Maybe you’ve got the wrong person? Maybe i’m not the one because i really can’t do this.
I mean…
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